I drive by this cemetery once a week. For nearly two years I’ve been telling myself to stop and take a photo. I found myself pulling over and getting out of my truck on the anniversary of my Father’s death. It was time. The weather was nice. Leaves were falling and the sun was out. It was slightly damp and I could smell the sweetness of the trees readying for the oncoming winter by shedding their seeds. Some of these seeds will be eaten. Some will nestle into the earth and cover themselves deep enough to live again. Even though my father was buried a few hundred miles from where I stood, I could feel him with me. I believe he knew what I was doing and why I had finally stopped to take this photograph. It’s my belief that to live this life without fear, you must not be afraid of death. I believe that the famous line, The Truth Shall Set You Free, is directly tied to this. I think it’s no coincidence that I repeatedly told my father that I will not live in fear, before having realized exactly what that meant to me.
I heard an original and beautiful song today. There’s a bee in our new shed swinging around, looking for its life. I thought about killing it.
I thought about killing it. Like I thought about my life.
-M. Taggart
(No worries, I’m not suicidal. Just how the words came out and I prefer to leave them alone once they are here. I have a lot going on- including my father’s celebration of life in a few days.)
I look back at my childhood and pull the good from the not good. There was plenty of both. Somehow I’ve become a success in life. To me, happiness is success. But to much of society, prosperity is the measure worth looking at. I wish it wasn’t like this. Reading a book outside with the sun touching the pages while listening to Spring-time birds, all while thinking nothing other than the book and the sun and the birds, that is a measure I use to gage my happiness.
Yet, somehow, even with my bad portions of my childhood, I am a success on other levels as well. I am a father. A husband. A business owner. A college graduate. I have been elected President and owner of a new company set to explode. We are building a new building in a city which contains Maine’s second largest population. I picked the city. It’s diverse. I like diversity. My company will bring new jobs to this city. As I told the city officials, my goal is to enhance the community we enter. I will do exactly that. Our store will open later this summer.
I bring these points up because, based on only my writing, it’s possible for someone to assume that I am hobbled in a dark hole spinning around in circles. That isn’t the case. It’s simply easy for me to remember the bad and to write about the bad. Just as easily as it is for me to write about morning coffee.
When I was a teenager I wanted to be a writer who lived in Maine. At that point I lived in Massachusetts. I’ve lived in a few different states, however, I am now a writer who lives in Maine. I always wanted to be a father and husband. And while sitting in a jail cell in my early twenties, I knew I’d be a loving father and husband. My will was never broken nor in question.
My childhood trauma does not define me. I use it as motivation. And through my freedom of expression that motivation lives nearly in tangible forms. I set my goals long ago and now I’m setting new goals to will into being.
I can’t wait to see what the next ten years will bring. I am blessed. I am thankful. And please keep in mind, I may write about some awful situations, some of the darkest of places, and of thoughts no one wishes upon another- keep in mind that I am fine. More than fine. It’s important the bad is not forgotten with my abundance of good in the now. Much like the photo below. Taken a month before my father’s passing. I knew he was dying. I was on a bender, I look beat up, tired, real. I remember taking the photo and staring at it, taking in all of its reality. I know I don’t look my best, but I feel the thoughts that I had during the moment, simply by viewing the photo. This game of life is something to cherish. All of it.
My father is in the ICU and being shipped to Springfield, MA. I’m trying to launch
a new company, create jobs, be well. I can’t keep up. I can’t like and read blogs that I normally can. I’m sorry.
mtaggartwriter 