Little Guy

Gavin,

We’re now waiting and it seems a great delay. It isn’t though. It only seems so because the attempt to induce your mother failed. You decided you weren’t ready.

We’ll be visiting the hospital for the fifth time in six days today. They’ve been keeping a very close eye on you both. You’re doing great. They watch your heart beat via a monitor which spits information onto a graph. They look for elevations and slow downs based on the needs of your movements. You move often. Very often and with great escalation of heart beats and then moments of calmness brings it back down again. You have a strong heart.

Your grandmother, my mother, is on her way from Western MA.  She’ll be coming with us and staying at the house for your first week. Last week your grandmother was hauling down both of your uncles and your aunt. Your mothers side of the family was also here and waiting. When you decided to stay put a while longer they were sent home. That was when your grandmother informed me that after her water had broken I had decided I wasn’t ready and wouldn’t come say hello. When the doctors watch your heart monitor they ask your mother if you ever stop. She tells them no and that you take after your father. Then they all look at me. I’m generally standing. I hardly sit. Why sit when you can stand and why stand when you can walk.

Although this morning I did sit. In your room. I sat and read. I’ve decided that in a few years when I want to take you and your mother fly fishing early in the morning that if you’re not awake- I have a plan. Because I’m watching carefully and learn quickly I have a feeling you may have us waiting a few times through out your life. My plan is this. When you don’t wake up, because it’s too early to fish, I’ll fetch a favorite book of mine and go to your room. I’ll start reading next to your bed. It might be Hemingway. It might be Steinbeck.  We’ll find out. Either way, I’ll read to you until you realize you’re fully awake and ready to fish.

Your bedroom. RI. 8/31/15
Your bedroom. RI. 8/31/15

Musings – Thanks to Steinbeck. He’s fucking good.

Time doesn’t exist. Thoughts do. In Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath I’m reminded of my opinion of Time.

Walk in my mental hallway a moment. Below is an excerpt from The Grapes of Wrath published in 1939.

“For a moment she hesitated uncertainly. “Well,” she said quickly, “why ain’t you prayin”? You’re a preacher, ain’t you?”

Casy’s strong fingers blundered over to Grandpa’s wrist and closed around it. “I tol’ you, Granma. I ain’t a preacher no more.”

“Pray anyway,” she ordered. “You know all the stuff by heart.”

“I can’t” said Casy. “I don’t know what to pray for or who to pray to.”

This is significant to me. This book was published in 1939. The great depression had destroyed family bonds attached to land that never ought to have been taken from them. What stands out the most within this small sample is Casy’s struggle with his faith. In this book, Casy, had been a preacher. His line, ‘I don’t know what to pray for or who to pray to.’ Rings as loudly now as it did then. And, I’m sure, was among the reasons this book was banned at one time.

I’m not done.

Man-vs-Man. We all know this, along with Man-vs-Nature, etc within writing. Not two pages later Steinbeck put this thought to paper helping it to live on forever.

“Pa said softly, “Grampa buried his pa with his own hand, done it in dignity, an’ shaped the grave nice with his own shovel. That was a time when a man had the right to be buried by his son an’ a son had the right to bury his own father.”

“The law says different now,” said Uncle John.”

Again, published in 1939. Do you see? Here’s what I see. Forget the man-vs-man shit, I’m seeing humans. I’m seeing people having the same thoughts over and over and over. A friend of mine might say, “What’s the country coming to? When I was a kid I…things aren’t like they use to be…The Laws Are Different Now.”

Really? Are you sure? Let’s play pretend. Let’s say that my friend who complained about the country was 38. Let’s say my friend stopped their education at 18 and seldom read. Let’s pretend that my friend didn’t start to have an awakening of the mind until 26 which helped them to actually see the world around them for what it truly is. In this theory, my friend has been an individual thinker for twelve years.

Steinbeck has given us a glimpse into the past with his thoughts. Some of his thoughts are the same thoughts many of us have now. It’s possible another fifty years will pass and I’ll be saying thing’s like the characters in Steinbeck’s book. I doubt it. I think I’d rather prompt the individual probing my mental hallway to read a fucking book.

Steinbeck

I think our lovely little island called capitalism is good, not great. We ate many handfuls of greatness. Steinbeck warned us with this, written in 1939, ‘We can’t depend on it. The bank- the monster has to have profits all the time. It can’t wait. It’ll die. No, taxes go on. When the monster stops growing, it dies. It can’t stay one size.’

Hmm it can’t wait. Sounds a lot like the east coast. I grew up on the east coast. Always in a hurry. Always a push. Always one person handling business as though it’s more important than the one next to them. It’s a matrix and they’ve failed the test. This push is bullshit. It’s not real. It never was.

This book I’m referring to is The Grapes of Wrath.