I Don’t need this secret.

I was sitting at the bar. Directly to my left was a door leading to the
deck. The wind was picking up. John was rambling on with a friend.
I saw the clouds and thought of my father. I walked outside and took
this photo. I liked the wind and the darkening clouds. These clouds
were exactly overhead. I wondered if there was a piece of my father
in them. His celebration of life is this coming Saturday.
I don’t want to go. I will go. But I don’t want to. I’m struggling with
the guilt of not wanting to go. Just like I’m struggling with the guilt
of telling my father he wasn’t there for me when I needed him most.
I guess that’s how it goes. And maybe that’s why I stood outside alone.
I wanted to show someone the photo of the clouds when I walked back in.
What’s the point though. The clouds meant more to me than them.
They always will.

-M. Taggart

photo taken 6/15/21 in Maine.

31 thoughts on “I Don’t need this secret.

  1. The picture is so beautiful. I’m sure it holds a lot of pain.
    Guilt will only drown you over and over again.
    I’ve been there and done that. It’s an endless pit.
    You need to release it. For yourself and your loved ones.
    Don’t want to sound preachy. Just felt it. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Parent-child relationships can be very complicated and difficult, and I empathize with your conflicted feelings. My father was a wonderful man for about the first 13 or so years of my life, but his alcoholism grew worse and worse. He began leaving my mother, younger sister and me for longer and longer periods of time, until my mother finally had enough and divorced him. My sister and I blamed our mother for a lot of his drinking, but we later realized that much of it was not her fault, as he continued to drink heavily with his next two wives. When I was in my late 20s, he left his 3rd wife and was briefly staying with my sister in the house he’d originally purchased with our mom that we’d inherited from her when she died. One day he came home drunk, argued with my sister, and left. We never saw nor heard from his again. We later learned he passed away 16 years afterward.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for sharing this. I have so many thoughts concerning your last line. It’s absolutely baffling. Well I had a very complex relationship with my father I knew without a doubt that he loved myself and my brothers. I never had to question that and for that I’m thankful. But there’s so very much more to the story. I know that it doesn’t help, I’m sorry that you had to live through that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks Matt. I knew my father loved my sister and me too, but his demons got the better of him. By the time he took off for the last time, we were sad, but at the same time accustomed to it. Early on, a few friends would urge me to try and locate him, but sadly, I had no desire. I didn’t see any point. It was like the father I knew as a child no longer existed.

        Liked by 1 person

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