It’s just a dream

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I was unable to fall back to sleep. Instead I looked at the bedroom door, wondered what might be on the other side, and for the first time that I can remember I thought of Hell as an actual fact.

To the best of my daytime memory it went like this:

I was jogging in the inside of the circumference of a tennis court. The tennis court had a gate made of wood built around the entirety of it. The wood planks stopped roughly two feet from the ground. I noticed two homeless men sleeping under the two foot gap. They both wore blue jeans. Their faces were haggard. The men appeared to be sleeping off a large affliction of some kind.

I jogged to the exit of the tennis court where a third homeless man awoke as I came near. His eyes had dark circles under them. He meant to speak to me, but I jogged passed him and down the hill to the building below. I entered the building. The building resembled an old YMCA and was empty. I stood near the entrance desk. The form of a man I knew appeared, squatting, with his back against the wall on the other side of the desk.

“Hello, Matt.”

He looked healthy. He looked good.

I don’t remember everything he said. I wish I did. I asked him about the three homeless men. He told me they are stuck in a cycle and that they will be stuck. The three men were him, but not him. This was a healthy him.

The dream fluttered and I found myself outside of the YMCA look-a-like building with the man’s son. My best friend.

“I just saw your father.”

“What?”

“I saw your father’s ghost.”

His smiled. “Show me where.”

I took him into the building and showed him exactly where his father had been squatting against the wall. The dream developed into the oddity of being that it is, his father reappeared with a bit of a halo. Now though, he was standing, and his eyes shown a deep imprinted knowing.

“There he is.” I nodded my head toward his father’s ghost.

“Where? I don’t see him?”

“He’s standing right there looking at you.”

Scott was speaking, I can’t recall what he was saying.

“Why can’t I see him?”

Scott replied to both of us, “Because he’s still dead.” Only I heard.

“What did you say, Scott?” He replied. I can’t remember what he said. I wanted to know how I was dead. Scott then shook my hand and said something similar to, “I’m going now.” He then turned toward the wall and opened an unseen door. As though it was a portion of time, or fabric of time, itself.

I thought I might see the entrance to heaven. Scott stepped inside the most pitch black tunnel heading steeply downward that I’ve ever seen, dream or otherwise. He was gone.

 

-M. Taggart

 

 

 

Rain

I don’t write about flowers
or love, or the embrace of a lover
because so many
do this so wonderfully
that I would rather read
their version of beauty
than replay mine
Instead I write about
how rain watches me
Eyes dangling, while falling
but cannot speak what is seen
-Who was I to ever think
rain could not see
And yet I step in puddles-
When I finally look down
I see myself in wavering form
for each puddle proves how
wrong I had been

-M. Taggart

Never Give Up

I believe there is great strength in the ones who fight to not abandon. I think we all carry levels of pain. Some scars we can all easily see and help to care for and caress back to a version of functional health. Others are buried so deeply they’ll never be seen or fully understood. I find weakness in the ones that abandon. A selfishness that destroys itself in final completeness.

Poem-

I stand with unheard wings
While They turn toward dusk
Wishing elimination –
Let them walk with measured tread
The Apostles are ready
They’ve always been

-M. Taggart

So it goes

My head is a bit off tonight
and my heart too
I saw things I wished I hadn’t
in someone I care about
A few looks go a long way
when the looks are more honest
than the words after
Things break
Especially trust

-M. Taggart

Odd Walking Thoughts – The yellow

We walk in streets filled with people looking at their hands to find purpose when purpose looks back, but not from a hand. A drop of rain lands on the nose of a little girl. She smiles and tries to lick the drop. Her yellow rain jacket glistens while she jumps in a puddle to see her creation. ‘Mommy, did you see that?’ Her mother, didn’t see, ‘I’m busy reading.’ ‘But a rain drop landed right on my nose and then I couldn’t lick it. It dropped right into the puddle and I wanted to know where it was, but couldn’t tell, so I stomped on the puddle to find it and it’s definitely done being a rain drop.’ her smile looked at her mother while her mother looked at her hand.

-M. Taggart

 

Are you sure you locked the door?

I’m doing laundry and don’t remember what I found
while checking the pockets of my jeans
I checked again and this time I found nothing
I’m thinking I may have found nothing the first time
But, being unable to trust my first time checking
I can’t fully trust my second time knowing that I didn’t
know much about the first, So hell with it
I check a third time and now I’m confident that the second
time was spot on. Nothing in the pockets.
I think.

-M. Taggart